Saturday, 30 October 2010

Had I known

"Had I known that the heart breaks slowly, dismantling itself into unrecognizable plots of misery... had I known yet I would have loved you, your brash and insolent beauty, your heavy comedic face and knowledge of sweet delights, but from a distance I would have left you whole and wholly for the delectation of those who wanted more and cared less." -- Maya Angelou

Friday, 29 October 2010

Here Comes the Sun

I want to make mistakes in my life, I want to make plenty of them, I just don't want to make the same ones. I once believed that it took something away from me. I believed that you, him, her, them, it, you all took something away from me, but then I realized that I am the one who decides whether or not you take something away from me. As Maya Anagelou once said, "I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." therefore, I have the power, and I refuse to be powerless.

My life is going somewhere great. I feel it. The universe has always had bigger plans for me than I could have ever imagined for myself.

Thursday, 30 September 2010

What I Will

‎"The machine will grind you down, but the machine is not bigger than imagination. This heart beat is louder than death. Your war drum ain't louder than this breath... Rome fell in a day. We know this." -- Suheir Hammad

Monday, 9 August 2010

Wishing on a Shooting Star

I'm here, but far away
I hear you, but I don't understand a word you say
You are gone, but your touch lingers
My life is there, but my heart is everywhere

I long for someone to replace you, to remove all your traces from my mind, my heart, my soul, and from my body... but as I once heard, "You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details". So, I will come to terms that your memory will never leave me, and i will bear it as I walk into the arms of my new love.

Saturday, 7 August 2010


I came across this line today, "You have to make mistakes to find out who you aren't. You take the action, and the insight follows: You don't think your way into becoming yourself".

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Something about You

I was talking about you to a friend of mine today. I was telling her how I admire your ability to intellectualize everything, and that you don't spend too much time self reflecting. Which is obviously the complete opposite of me. She then said to me "Please, don't get offended, but this person that you are talking about just doesn't sound real". I asked her to explain. She then said, "How can this person expect to understand the world around him, when he doesn't try to understand himself. People like that rarely find happiness in their life".

Her words made me sad, but I agreed with her.

Sunday, 1 August 2010

Denied Entry, Gaza

Today I found out the my application for a permit to enter Gaza has been denied for the second time. When I asked why, I was told for "security reasons". I then asked my co-worker to show me the rejection papers that she received from the Israeli security department. My co-worker then began to laugh hysterically, she said, "Do you really think that they will actually send you the rejection papers? Habibti, they give you the answer over the phone, and the answer is NO PERMIT!". It is one word from them that dictates my entire movement in Palestine.

The news of my rejection and the conversation that I had with my co-worker occurred on our way back from Qalqilia. It occurred after hours of sitting with people form that area discussing how the wall that the Israelis built changed their life. How they struggle to attain the day to day basics. It occurred after a ten year old boy told me that his summer activity is selling bread in their town to help his father make some money. Needless to say, I was pissed the fuck off. Who the fuck are they to tell me where I can and cannot go. I felt so angry, frustrated, and completely helpless. I thought that if I was able to enter Gaza, then I would have a chance to make things right. However, I guess second chances don't always come as easy as we would like, or in the form that we would like them to be. I have to find my own peace with Gaza, I have to show her that I take responsibility for what happened to her, and for my silence.

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Jerusalem, All the Signs Indicate Towards You

As I have been traveling to different towns in the West Bank this month I have come across several road signs that say, "Jerusalem is on your second right". I think these signs should really provide more instructions. For example, they should say, "If you are lucky enough to get a permit to enter Jerusalem or you have an "Israeli ID", and you can pass trough the checkpoints, and the wall then yes... Jerusalem is on your second right!"

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Seven Times have I Despised my Soul

The first time when I saw her being meek that she might attain height.

The second time when I saw her limping before the crippled.

The third time when she was given to choose between the hard and the easy, and she chose the easy.

The fourth time when she committed a wrong, and comforted herself that others also commit wrong.

The fifth time when she forbore for weakness, and attributed her patience to strength.

The sixth time when she despised the ugliness of a face, and knew not that it was one of her own masks.

And the seventh time when she sang a song of praise, and deemed it a virtue.

--Kahlil Gibran

Friday, 16 July 2010

Jenin, Tubas, Qalqilia.

That's Area C, that means that the land is under Israeli military control and farmers do not have free access to their lands.

Honestly, with all Yasser Arafat's mistakes I was really sad when he passed away.

Abo Ammar bidalo abouna.

Ari'el is the second largest settlement in Palestine after Ma'iel Adomeen. They even have their own university.

Marda, is surrounded by a fence. The people that live in the village can only enter and exist the village from two gates.

Do you see these train tracks? People used to travel from Turkey to Palestine by train a long long time ago.

They (the Israelis) cannot enter and leave a refugee camp without arresting someone.

My brother has been in jail for years now. They arrested me too because they assumed I was also involved.

Do you see the settlements?

The occupation can only occupy you if you allow it to.

Sometimes I feel that life just stops.

The worst is yet to come.

I married a second wife. No one understands, but she is the love of my life. I have loved her for years.

My husband works in Israel. He is only home two days out of the week.

I'm sorry, I would sneak you into Jerusalem, but on Saturdays the security is really tight... I hope you can understand.

-- These are some of the statements that I heard people say during my travel to Jenin, Tubas, and Qalqilia some were repetitive, some were just significant to me.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

When you Love a Palestinian Woman

"When you love a Palestinian woman, the essence of resistance seeps into your existence; you comprehend the meaning of persistence. In her eyes you may see residues of a tear, but never a sign of fear. When you love a Palestinian woman, your heart is tuned to the beat of a heart that can never forget. You travel far; you walk the narrow streets of Jerusalem, in the footsteps of Jesus, carrying his cross, cleaning his wounds, wiping his sweat. When you love a Palestinian woman you love every wave that kisses the shores of her land, every olive tree in Galilee, every particle of salt in the Dead Sea. When you love a Palestinian woman, you love a smile mysteriously mixed with pain unknown to others; and a laugh that was choked when the land was separated from its faithful lovers. When you love a Palestinian woman you love a spirit that inherited the will to stand, and eyes that terrify guards at check-points, in a way no man can. How can any man love but a Palestinian woman?"

Author-- Unknown

Sunday, 11 July 2010

In 1:56 Minutes

The street, the air, the season, my body, palestine, occupation, sex, freedom, lust, attraction, desire, want, need, frustration, life, communism, socialism, world war, Aqsa, demonstrations, perseverance, determination, stubborness, freedom of seepch, ignorance, selfishness, anger, hate, self hate, beauty, ugliness, breathing, suffocating, insecurity, weight love, betrayl, hurt, trust, mistrust, family, babies, dreams, ambitions, college, grauate school, grades, insanity, opression, obsession, religion, friends, weddings, engagments, culture, traditions, money, New York, Jericho, the dead sea, clam, serenity, peace, heart, heart beat, confusion, sweetness, inconsistency, facebook, texting, Jawwal, film, directing, creativity, writing, khaled, pronto, alcohol sakak, Zeryab, Bireh, truth, honesty, Birzeit, Abu dease, London, Jordan, fords, fun land, humanity.

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Note to Self

You can never underestimate the value of the following questions:

Do you have a girlfriend? are you engaged? are you married? are you separated? do you have promiscuous relationships? do you have children?

Also, you can never underestimate the value of hiring a private detective!

Monday, 5 July 2010

Tell me a Secret, I Will Tell you a Secret

I told you I didn't believe I was pretty enough, you told me you didn't think you were tall enough.

I told you I was afraid of the dark, you told me you were afraid of driving.

I told you I was afraid that I will never fall in love, you told me you were afraid of love.

I told you I can't keep secrets, you told me you lie.

The one secret I didn't tell you was that I was using you, just like you were using me.

I guess we were both just trying to be ok.

You Reminded Me

You were so sweet. I was smitten by you. You reminded me of something I had lost. You saw a side of me that I didn't know others could see. You told me that I would be beautiful no matter what size I was. You told me I was smart, and wished I could only see it. You mended my broken heart, and you didn't even know it.

You reminded me to trust myself, and most importantly you reminded me that "the first time someone shows me who they are, to believe them" (Maya Angelou).

I can't be angry with you, I knew your purpose in my life would be short. However, you helped me get through a period in my life that I thought I could never get through. You had an impact. Thank you.


Friday, 18 June 2010

Gone from January to October '09

I try not to think about you or talk about you. I don't even want to know your news or your where abouts. The pain is less, but it still hurts. It's still difficult for me to understand what it all meant, and who I was in the process. It's hard for me to understand, because it is still too painful to think about. Maybe one day it will all make sense to me but for now I am ok with not knowing.


Sunday, 31 January 2010


I feel inspired, empty, lost, found, content, restless, happy, sad, lonely, crowded, confused, enlightened, frustrated, serene, aggressive, peaceful, strong, weak, smart, stupid, beautiful, ugly, lucky, unfortunate, angry, clam, loved, indifferent... all at the same time. These feelings and emotions remind me that I am alive, and that I am growing. If I am able to embrace these emotions, I know they will help guide me to myself.